Size and Girth

During the NCAA Tournament you will undoubtedly see a lot of great basketball and unfortunately you will witness a lot of pitiful post game press conferences.

Every coach in America absolutely loves the bevy of questions that fill the post game media room.

Don't get me wrong, there are some tremendous people in the media who ask some excellent questions, but there is an over abundance of nonsense and stupidity that fills the air.

Often, coaches feel like the carcass as the vultures gather for the feast.

So as you watch the post game press conferences, listen carefully because you will undoubtedly hear a number of ridiculous questions. And coaches will be kind and respond as if the questions were the best they had ever heard.

But as they respond vocally, mentally they will be wishing they could say what is really on their mind.

I came up with a list of questions -- that every coached is asked -- and how they would really like to respond.

Now, No. 16 "Small Central State" just upset one of the big names team in America and now the coach is addressing the media.

REPORTER: How did you feel about getting the win?

COACH: To be honest, I am kind a pissed off. I was hoping to get back home so I could watch "Joe Millionaire." Now I have to stay and coach another game.

REPORTER: Your team was very animated after the win. Can you talk about that?

COACH: They were just happy as hell that they didn't have to have watch "Joe Millionaire" with me.

REPORTER: What was the key to the win?

COACH: We scored more points.

REPORTER: Did you do anything different to prepare for them?

COACH: Well, I opted for the buffet rather than the continental breakfast.

REPORTER: Your next opponent will present a lot of problems for you. Do you think you have a chance?

COACH: Hell, you're right we've got no shot so we'll probably just skip the game and get back to campus.

REPORTER: How big is this win for your program?

COACH: Well, it was nice, but our men's intramural cricket team won their first-ever match today.

REPORTER: Is this the biggest win of your career?

COACH: Well, in the fourth grade the kids on my street beat the guys from the next block over.

REPORTER: Talk about the half court shot that went in before the half.

COACH: That's part of our motion offense. Our guy was open under the basket, but we wanted a high-percentage shot.

REPORTER: You keep referring to your 'four out - one in' set. Can you elaborate?

COACH: Yeah, we take four guys out of the game and just put one in. It's a good set.

REPORTER: You and Coach Doe are great friends. Do you feel bad for him?

COACH: Yeah, I do. As a matter of fact I feel so bad that I am going to tell him that he can play the next game instead of us.

REPORTER: What are you going to do to get ready for the next game?

COACH: We're going to hang out, have a few drinks, maybe get a few movies from Blockbuster or just order pay per view porn. Stuff like that.

REPORTER: What are the negatives about the win?

COACH: Well, my assistant is pissed because some woman winked at him during the game, but blew him off afterwards.

REPORTER: Your next opponent is an overwhelming favorite. How can you beat them?

COACH: Well, we are going to breakdown film later so why don't you come on over and give us some of your tremendous insight.
 

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Now, "Small Central State" has just lost its second-round game and the coach has taken a seat in the press room to answer questions from the media.

REPORTER: How do you feel about the loss?

COACH: I feel @&$(%#*! great about it. Now I can back in time to see the finale of "Joe Millionaire."

REPORTER: With about eight-minutes remaining you went over to the scorers table. Was there a problem with the clock or were you confused about something else?

COACH: Actually my staff and I had no idea what to run on offense so I asked the official scorer if he could get a few members of the distinguished media to coach our team. You people seem to be just overflowing with basketball knowledge.

REPORTER: Their defense seemed to bother you. You shot a low percentage from the field. Can you explain that?

COACH: Great observation, but we were actually trying to miss those shots. I told my kids to pick a spot somewhere on the glass and aim for it.

REPORTER: Are you disappointed in your team's effort?

COACH: They are a great group of kids and they worked so hard for me so I am glad that my seniors got their asses kicked today.

REPORTER: Was that the key to the loss?

COACH: The other team scored more points.

REPORTER: Your team didn't seem to be as focused tonight. I didn't see that same intensity. They looked they didn't have their game faces on.

COACH: You're absolutely right. We had them, but we left them back at the hotel. My point guard had a skeleton face, my two-guard had a Zorro mask, my post players had Abbott & Costello faces and my swing man had a nice Batman mask. Hell he even had a outstanding cape.

REPORTER: Can you talk about the great contribution of John Doe today?

COACH: He graduated last year, you moron.

REPORTER: Why did you switch from the triangle and two to zone?

COACH: Well, we played man-to-man for the entire game. Glad to see you were watching though.

REPORTER: When your big man went out with foul trouble it seemed to hurt you?

COACH: No, it was great. He sat next to me on the bench and we talked about where were going to eat after the game. Then he asked my assistant about the girl who winked at him. I think he is going to hook up with her.

REPORTER: I thought I heard your assistant yelling '2-1-2 press' or something like that. Was that the defense you wanted?

COACH: No, he was trying to tell that woman that he was in room 212 at the hotel.

REPORTER: Your team didn't seem to have that same sense of urgency that they had in the first game.

COACH: Hell, you're right. I forgot to tell them that if we lose we go home.

REPORTER: When you were down three with two-seconds left in the game were you looking for a three-pointer?

COACH: Actually I was looking for the hotdog guy and my assistant was looking for that woman.

REPORTER: During the final timeout before the half you looked angry. Could you talk about that sequence?

COACH: Well, we had turned the ball over on four straight possessions, which all resulted in points for them so would you have preferred that I was gleeful? Then you could have asked me why I was smiling. Great question.

REPORTER: What problems did they present for you?

COACH: Probably the fact that they scored more baskets.

REPORTER: What were the positives that came out of the loss?

COACH: My assistant did hook up with that woman.

REPORTER: What did you say to the team after the game?

COACH: I told them that I was sorry, but that they had to go out and answer stupid questions from the media.